Hey. Hey! HEY.
Look: We know you’ve already seen the headline for this article, and the image, right up there, with Sebastian Stan and Donald Trump’s faces sitting next to each other, looking for all the world like they’re gonna start merging into some sort of horrifyingly haired goo monster with unsettlingly nice cheekbones. We know that this moment, probably, is one of the harder ones you’re going to have today, a psychic ordeal that can only come from reconciling an idea that the human brain simply isn’t wired to handle, i.e., “young, sexy Donald Trump.” It’s unpleasant, and nasty, but nevertheless hapening. And you can get through it. You can! Just take a deep breath, recite your calming mantras, and read this next sentence.
Sebastian Stan is playing Donald Trump in a new movie.
Fuck, they’re crashing. Fuck! We need a response team stat, we’ve got a reader crashing out from having to reconcile “Sebastian Stan” and “Donald Trump” occupying the same mental space—and we haven’t even told them yet that Succession’s Jeremy Strong is also starring in the film, from Holy Spider and The Last Of Us director Ali Abbasi! We could be heading for total cognitive shutdown! Strong is playing famous Joe McCarthy ally Roy Cohn, who was Trump’s mentor when he was a kid! Jeremy Strong and Sebastian Stan are going to act at each other, with their human eyes and faces, while made up to look and sound like Roy Cohn and Donald Trump! The human mind can’t handle this!
Fuck, we’ve lost them. It’s too much; “young, hot Donald Trump” is just too goddamn much. Let’s just get through the rest of the casting news, and, oh, Christ, Maria Bakalova from Borat: Subsequent Moviefilm is going to be in it, too, playing Ivana Trump. It’s called The Student. Oh god, now we’re crashing.
Ali Abbasi, what the hell did we ever do to you?